No one knows, Anonymous (17)

Living or just existing? No one knows this but over these past months my first thought in the morning is not being here. I am not suicidal but that is the only thing I find peaceful to think about. In moments I thought I was not going to be here the next day, I was okay with it. I used to be able to control it and now it's a subconscious thought. It feels embedded within my mind. Some of my close friends know I am sad sometimes, but none of them know how bad it is gotten and honestly I have never felt this distant, empty and alone. A month ago I really hurt myself. But this time was worse then the others and no one really knows what happened. First time since last year. I always shammed myself for it after and never opened up to anyone about it. I know the ways I used to act and used to talk and the few times I interact with people I feel like I'm masking how I truly feel. I almost feel like an actress in my day to day life. Some of them tell me that their perspective of me will never change, but that does not feel like the truth when they don't reach out. I can not blame them. I don't either. I am finally doing better things with my life, but there is still this deep void waiting to be filled. Working towards goals when you feel like this can be hard, but I am trying to fight against my own mind. I experience moments of happiness, but this feeling deep down never seems to subside. So is that even happiness? I have always had a gut feeling that my purpose was to help others and spend all my time and energy on the people around me, because I would not live as long. For some, people can be their greatest enemies, but for me it is my emotions. It has always been my emotions. Feeling the ways I do sometimes makes me feel incredibly misunderstood. Now they're a spiral of emotions which become a numb blanket that I feel engulfed in. Nothing feels the same anymore. And to be honest, it never did these past years if that even makes sense. At least sometimes. I have finally accepted my emotions will always be a part of me. I have gone through these past two years feeling like no one truly knows me and honestly I don't really want anyone to see or know that side of me. If you have ever felt like this please know you are not alone and continue to fight for better days. Despite how I feel, I am still searching for mine.