Not enough, Anonymous (22)

When you fall in love with someone, it feels like nothing could go wrong. No one person or one event can change your mood. I had dated this boy for a year and fell completely in love with him. Like to the point that we would talk about marriage and kids all the time. I saw so many qualities I admired but also so many things I had seen that he needed to work on himself. We weren't friends before and honestly, we're just planning on hooking up and leaving it at all. No boy had shown genuine interest in me further than just hooking up, but he did. He would call me after practice and we would talk for hours about dumb shit but also such insightful things. I had never felt this connection with anyone before. Since this was my first real boyfriend, I had no idea what a real relationship looked like and what was normal and what wasn't. I always had trust issues with him because honestly he was such a fuckboy and it was so known that I was trying to look out for myself. Throughout our relationship, there were so many times that I had heard things about him or things from girls. It first started as stopping streaks to other boys and girls, which was his idea because he said: "we both have a boyfriend/girlfriend now so what's the point of snap chatting other people." I thought it was completely normal and didn't think anything of it. But then as time started to go on, I got in so many fights with my friends about me never hanging out with them anymore and only him now. I lost so many people around me that I didn't even realize until I got out of the relationship. He had such a temper, but he was so broken and I was so in love with him that I just wanted to help. So, I dealt with the screaming, cursing, name-calling, a million apologies, tracking, spamming, bruises, broken shit, etc. He had such major issues within himself and insecurities that all he wanted to do was control me. But all I wanted, was to help. In every fight, every argument, everything would be turned on me. It would be that "I didn't trust him, I was overreacting, I'm psycho, etc." I slowly started to believe him, that if I just stayed in and didn't party with my friends, or just hang out with him all the time and kept my location shared that our relationship would work. After so many conversations of "our relationship is toxic and we need to make more time for other people" the relationship had run its course. He cheated on me and ghosted me like that like I meant nothing to him. I was so hurt and confused because we had gotten in huge blowout fights before but he was always come back and tell me how much he needed me and was sorry, but this time was different. It's been radio silence ever since. I hate him so much for treating me so shitty, making everything always seem like my fault, ruining my confidence, ruining other relationships for me, but most importantly making me feel like I was his everything one day, and was dirt to him the next. I trusted him with everything and anything. I cried for long thinking how could someone that said all these sweet and nice things to you, just completely not care? I love people with my whole heart, and I could never see myself treating someone like this which I think is also what hurts a lot. I never saw any of this happening. He was always the one that said he would never look at another girl and never sees himself being with anyone else but me. Since this was my first real boyfriend, I believed everything he said. I loved him so hard, but also got hurt so hard. I wanted so badly to help him and be there for him, that I ruined myself in the process. Now looking back I see how it was a toxic relationship and it was for the best that it ended, but I can't help but still miss him. I want so badly to hate him because it's easier than the pain of still loving him, even after everything he put me through.